Have you noticed that there seems to be a big increase in strange people doing strange things? The “News of the Weird” is now just the news. Because only I seem to understand what’s really going on, I will attempt to convey the truth of our perilous situation before they discover me.
“How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?” Before you read further, think carefully about this famous thought written in 1890 by Arthur Conan Doyle in the voice of his celebrated character, master detective Sherlock Holmes. We need to heed these words in confronting the seeming madness of modern times.
It’s the only means for understanding how a tribe of Druids has suddenly appeared to oppose archaeologists who want to exhibit human remains in a lavish new visitor center at Stonehenge. Denying any educational value in studying ancient bones, the so-called Druids want the remains reburied. Their leader is a man who calls himself Arthur Pendragon. Does that name sound familiar? It should; Pendragon says he’s the reincarnation of King Arthur.
The only way of comprehending such weirdness is to employ the Conan Doyle formula. First, the Druids were a pagan Celtic tribe of the B.C. era. Julius Caesar claimed they practiced elaborate human sacrifice rituals. Apparently the Romans didn’t like the Druids (maybe because their brand of barbarism differed too much from Roman-style barbarism). Roman conquerors did a lot to make the Druids as extinct as T-Rex. So the group now claiming to be Druids aren’t. The real Druids are long gone. Anciently gone. As for Pendragon, think Elvis impersonator gone horribly wrong.
So what’s left? No matter how improbable it appears on the surface, these characters must be alien invaders. Haven’t people always wondered how Stonehenge could have been built with the primitive technology that was available at the time? Visitors from outer space have been frequently discussed in connection with this mysterious construction. It must be about turf protection. The aliens are shielding their ancestors. Maybe those bones only look human. And we know that real people simply aren’t this bizarre.
Still not convinced that aliens walk among us? What about the Boy Scout leader who toppled an ancient rock formation in Utah’s Goblin Valley State Park? The toppler and his cohorts preserved their act on video, high fiving each other all the way. (Perhaps an alien method for transferring physical strength?) Anyone who’s read even a little of The Martian Chronicles can recognize the extra-terrestrial element here. When have you ever heard of a human being knocking over a famous (and huge) rock formation? Exactly.
Once you allow for Conan Doyle’s idea, everything becomes starkly obvious. Invaders from the beyond always seek to destabilize the systems of the places they attack. This is made clear in Rod Serling’s immortal Twilight Zone tale “The Monsters are Due on Maple Street.” The rock formations in question are an important part of our American West. John Wayne thundered past these formations on horseback in several memorable cinematic moments. And notice how the venerable Boy Scouts are brought to shame by having one of their own (clearly an alien imposter) destroy an iconic landmark? Two figurative birds have been felled with a single er, stone. “Whatever remains, however improbable. . .”
There are definitely strange rangers in our midst. Identifying them and learning the nature of their mission is essential to our survival. Think about it. Where did Duck Dynasty come from? Do these men seem like humans to you? Does anyone over thirteen years of age honestly believe that Justin Bieber isn’t something sent from outer space? (however improbable. . .) There is so much that starts to make sense in the light of Conan Doyle. The Kardashians and Miley Cyrus. The body paint you see in the stands during televised football games. Could these oddly decorated creatures have originated in this solar system? I think not. One obvious invader showed up at the Superbowl attired in Skittles! His pre-invasion research must have been deficient.
The cultural infiltration is deep indeed! So beware. The 1950’s film classic, Invasion of the Body Snatchers isn’t just a movie. Nobody believed the protagonist when he warned about aliens replacing people. But not too many years later he was proven chillingly right. By 1967 the world was awash with wild hair styles and bizarre clothing in screaming colors. The fabric from which these never-before-seen styles were made revealed their outer space origin. Humans had always worn wools, cottons, and linens. The invader clothing was made out of something called polyester. Anyone who remembers that period knows that entities not of Earth must have been responsible.
And the threat has only grown in the intervening years. The first invaders practiced by taking over college campuses, supposedly in protest of the Vietnam War. Now they’re taking everything over. Ask Arthur Pendragon or the rock tumbler where they really came from, and watch those ray guns come out!
Why do we currently have not one but two television programs dedicated to portraying the adventures of Sherlock Holmes? We’re being warned by the shrinking remnant of humans to sharpen our deductive reasoning. Only then will we be able to see Candy Crush for what it is, a distraction transmitted by a mother ship to keep us from noticing the takeover. I must submit this now; the mother ship is already attempting to disrupt my connection. The lights are beginning to flicker.